Act with Intention.
Years ago when I was going through Yoga Teacher Training, I was charged with writing about the Sutras, or philosophical side of yoga. This week, as I was teaching young minds about the asanas, I began pondering the philosophy and quickly recalled this paper. Hours later, I randomly stumble upon it. The words still ring true for me today; hopefully they resonate with you as well. Enjoy.
Letting go, practicing non-attachment, is never easy. It’s natural for us to be fearful of the outcome. Society, our parents, our personal history all teach us to be scared, rather than child-like in our pursuits, exploring with wonder and curiosity.
I held onto a marriage for 3 years when I knew in my heart what I needed to do. Everyone else had an opinion. Everyone seemed to know exactly what I needed. So many voices, or vrittis, were going through my head. I wasn’t able to calm the modifications of my mind to distinguish my own voice. Part of me was living in the past, replaying what went wrong. Part of me was living in the future, always asking “What if…” These thoughts rendered me immobile. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror one morning and not recognizing the face staring back at me. She was dull and lifeless.
According to our Sutra Studies Manual, “The stresses of normal daily living can drain our life force or create habitual patterns of comfort seeking; abhyasa is the recognition that we must act with intention and direction to produce change.”
The decisions I was making had me in “freeze” mode. My habitual habits had me seeking comfort. I was protecting my heart by not making any decision - stay or leave. Yet, with abyhasa, I recognized that if I wanted a change, if I wanted my life back, I was the only person who could do that. Slowly but surely, I brought color to my face. In the beginning, the effort was small - get out of bed, get dressed, eat a proper meal. Later, after a lot of patience and earnestness, the effort became much more pointed - go to work, see a therapist, make a decision.
As my effort grew, I began to practice vairagya, or being free from attachment or outcome. Our Sutras Manual refers to vairagya as practicing for the sake of the experience and then natural, unanticipated learning will follow.
Through my therapy, I recognized the need to take care of myself first. Whether I stayed or left didn’t matter but my health and happiness did. It didn’t matter what others thought of me or how society would judge me. I was finished judging myself. Through letting go of expectations for my life, letting go of how I thought my life “should” be and what I deserved, I opened myself up to new opportunities of what could be. I went to work with a smile. I changed jobs. Ultimately, I got a divorce. But, I made these decisions for me as I practiced living my best life. I practiced living, whatever that may look like. That’s what life is about - experiences.
Each day throws you a new obstacle, albeit good or bad, but practicing abhyasa and vairagya at the same time means getting out of bed and showing up despite knowing what the day will bring. It’s a delicate balance.
YWTT - Sutra 1.12: Abhyasa + Vairagya | 10-14-17