Where is the Love - Part One.

Your inbox (or at least junk mail) has probably been inundated with all things hearts, flowers, pink and red - all symbols of a month dedicated to love.

But sometimes it can be difficult to endure all the hearts and flowers that February brings when you're feeling loveless.

That’s why we’re doing a 4-part series asking the question, "Where is the love?"

The truth is, love is there. It lives within you. You, my friend, are the love. We’re diving into tools you can use to have heart-centered relationships with your partners, friends, work and yourself even in the tough seasons.

Let’s dive right in.

Part One: Romantic Relationships

Do you have the perfect partner who never annoys you or hurts your feelings?

< insert crickets 🦗>

We’re all human. We look at the world, and our partners, through the lens of our past experiences, triumphs and traumas.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were flying home from a blissful several days in Chicago. We’d had the best time wrapping up holiday celebrations with his family, eating all the deep dish pizza and watching Chip ’n Dale on repeat with his 2-year-old nephew.

On the way home, we discussed all the things we’d do that day once the plane landed. It was a great end to a really great week. I was on cloud nine.

Then the wheels touched down, and everything went south.

Our plans had included him helping me take down Christmas decorations at my place, but once we were home he was tired and showed up later than I'd expected to help.

With every ornament removed from my tree, I got more and more irritated. I let his choice to honor his need for rest first rather than immediately help me define the rest of my day. I became grumpy, being short and snippy with anyone who dared talk to me.

My thoughts went to from "I'm not a priority" to "He doesn’t love me" in a hot second. Oh how quickly our thoughts can take a negative turn!

Has this downward spiral ever happened to you?

Our proclivity to focus on the negative experiences in a relationship as opposed to the positive experiences is known as the negativity bias.

Basically, I made Patrick’s choice mean something about his love for me rather than simply taking him at his word.

My negative view momentarily consumed me and began to distort my thinking about my relationship.

Maybe you've experienced something similar.

If you’re not proactive in combating the negativity bias, it can get the best of you and your relationship too, friend.

So how do you do that? Here are three tools I use. Try implementing them this week and notice what happens in your relationship.

1. Ask yourself what you’re making it mean about you.

   The ego has a way of making everything about you. By identifying the meaning you’ve assigned the experience, you can begin to re-frame your thinking and hold space for your partner.

   For example, I was making the scenario above mean “I’m not lovable.” This is an old, worn-out record that likes to play on repeat when I’m experiencing a new level of happiness. Re-framing that thought to “I am lovable" helped me to not only see an alternative truth but also recognize the truth in Patrick’s statement that he was simply tired.

2. For every negative experience, identify 3-5 positive experiences.

   Focusing on what’s going well in your relationship and the positive experiences you’ve had helps to strengthen your positivity muscle. The more you practice focusing on what’s going right, the more you retrain your brain to make that your default reaction.

   In the instance above, I could clearly see how Patrick had carried my luggage into the house, got us lunch and still showed up to help, even though it was later than I had hoped.

3. Share your gratitude with your partner on a daily basis.

   You know how customers are quick to leave a negative review about a terrible experience at a restaurant, but don’t always take the time when the experience is average or even excellent? The same happens in a relationship. We can be quick to spout off frustrations to our partners.

   How often do you become a raving fan of your partner? Practice sharing the behavior you love with your partner on a daily basis. Tell them how appreciative you are for the note they left or how they opened your door. Tell them how their words of affirmation brought a smile to your face or how taking out the trash helped you feel heard.

   Focusing on the negative aspects of your partner can lead to more negative experiences. Like me, you may find yourself grumpy which could lead to picking a fight, which creates another negative experience and the cycle continues.

Changing your perspective about your current situation can help to infuse more love in your marriage, partnership or dating life. Like most things in life, where your focus goes, energy flows. Focus on the good and watch the good keep growing.