Grief.

True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been grieving 2020 since May. I didn’t realize that was what was happening with me, but now it’s so obvious.

You see, my dearest friend in all the world was getting married. Do you remember Cecily? Yeah, she was one of the guardian angels sent to me along my travels - my roommate during yoga teacher training and my partner in crime during the last leg of travel.

There are people who come into your life and leave you changed. She was that for me.

This past weekend she married Hannes, a random German man we met while traveling together in India. Their story is one for fairy tales, and I wanted so badly to celebrate with them.

I’ve been planning on an epic trip to Europe for over a year. My parents were coming with me. We were meeting family in Germany…then COVID.

At first, I was in denial that COIVD would affect my attendance. I held out hope. I prayed.

The longer the summer went on, the more angry I got. I just wanted people to stay home, the virus to stop spreading and this all to go away. It wasn’t fair that my European friends could celebrate with her while I couldn’t. I was mad.

Eventually I tried bargaining. I’d get tested. I’d quarantine. I’d just go for 24 hours and not the month I orginally planned. I’d make sacrifices if only I could go.

Then over the past several weeks, I got in a real funk - depression. I couldn’t name what I was feeling. I just knew I didn’t like it. I was unmotivated. Sad. Hurt. Crying. It wasn’t fair. I could tell I was mourning the loss of travel as I moved toward acceptance.

And finally, about a week before the ceremony, I recognized and accepted that my European adventure wasn’t happening.

Three days ago, as I watched one of my best friends walk down the aisle, my perspective began to shift.

How lucky am I that I can participate via Zoom? That Cecily’s cousin was willing to hold the phone for the duration of the ceremony? That I got to wish her well right before she walked down the aisle? Very lucky, indeed.

Was it perfect, no. Was it perfectly imperfect, yes.

Friends, life doesn’t always pan out the way we had planned.

Cecily and I were supposed to spend a month in India together. Instead, we spent two weeks together. She had planned to come to America. Instead, she stayed put and we messaged each other. I was supposed to attend her wedding in Austria. Instead, I sat on the couch and watched via Zoom.

No, life doesn’t always turn out like we anticipated, but sometimes it can be so much better. Are you wiling to look for the silver lining?

Where does your life feel off course? Maybe it’s a relationship, work, school or even travel? I offer you this - allow yourself the time and space to process the grief. Grieve your 2020. Grieve unmet expectations, the loss of friends, the change of plans.

I know that grieving is usually reserved for the death of a loved one, not travel or unmet expectations. However, your feelings, regardless of circumstance, are real. And you’re allowed to experience them.

Give yourself permission to feel.

Through processing your emotions, you can begin to shift your perspective from all that you’ve lost to all that you’ve gained. There’s a silver lining in everything if you are willing to look for it.

Me, I’m not only grateful for the amazing friend I have in Cecily, but I’m grateful for the times we have been able to spend together. I was able to look back through old photos, texts and letters with such fondness for the friendship we developed. I’m grateful for a supportive partner who encouraged me to get up early and participate in the wedding. And most importantly, I look forward to the memories we’ll make when travel opens back up.

My heart is full.

#block-yui_3_17_2_1_1598982425856_23508 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -14px; }#block-yui_3_17_2_1_1598982425856_23508 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 14px; margin-bottom: 14px; }